The Day I Started Fucking With My Meds
Sometimes it seems as if the world is falling apart.
It wasn't till two months ago Hamas initiated a war with Israel.
It was a big shock to see the headline on the news about the rockets being launched into Gaza.
What's even more appalling were the amount of people who died.
We haven't seen that many people die since September 11th.
It's really difficult processing how there seems to be an unequal distribution of wealth out here in the world and people don't realize it because they're too worried about themselves.
& The cycle commences where I start to point out all the things wrong with the world.
I've had a rough day. There's really no room for negative self-talk right now.
I mean...it's really hard not to.
It's just as hard as writing a post without using 'I' too much.
I realized my last post probably had 50 "I's"-- but I still think it was a meaningful post. I was feeling hopeful yesterday because there's a possibility of a worthy company to work for.
However, today...not so much.
After my phone-interview, some time was spent conducting further research on the company of interest, and it was really discouraging to discover the really negative reviews about the workplace. People weren't only complaining about how the pay isn't enough, they were discussing office politics...talking shit about the CEO...talk about non-competing agreements-- & these are all scary aspects to an industry with a door of which I haven't been able to get my foot through.
Things seem very grim at this point because a week has been spent sending in applications for job-openings with companies who might not have any interest in hiring someone like myself because there's not much to work with.
There was a lot of bragging in yesterdays post about my ability to connect with people and conduct business-- however, the reality set in today after noticing there's still no opportunity to work right now. The benchmark is set at a very high level and, given the circumstances, the odds are against me because of my very limited experience and my incapacity to seem like a normal person.
Maybe I'm overthinking shit. I ought to cut myself a little more slack because a lot of effort is being put into these goals. Aside from that, it's not like I'm applying for jobs at places like McDonalds (even though... I did apply there this week-- and at this point I'm willing to work there if they did hire me)...
There's still room for improvement, though:
I'm having trouble developing trust with the people I'm living with. Currently, I'm roomed up with a 21-year old and a man who's well into his 50's. They both suck because they talk more than they listen. & the problem with me is I don't know how to talk...so why the fuck would they want to listen to me anyways? I like to listen but half the shit that comes out of both these guys mouths makes me want to put my air-pods back on so I could listen to lo-fi. There's been a drastic psychic change which has occurred within me because my interest in hip-hop and rap is no longer the same.
& The cycle commences where I start to point out all the things wrong with the world.
I've had a rough day. There's really no room for negative self-talk right now.
I mean...it's really hard not to.
It's just as hard as writing a post without using 'I' too much.
I realized my last post probably had 50 "I's"-- but I still think it was a meaningful post. I was feeling hopeful yesterday because there's a possibility of a worthy company to work for.
However, today...not so much.
After my phone-interview, some time was spent conducting further research on the company of interest, and it was really discouraging to discover the really negative reviews about the workplace. People weren't only complaining about how the pay isn't enough, they were discussing office politics...talking shit about the CEO...talk about non-competing agreements-- & these are all scary aspects to an industry with a door of which I haven't been able to get my foot through.
Things seem very grim at this point because a week has been spent sending in applications for job-openings with companies who might not have any interest in hiring someone like myself because there's not much to work with.
There was a lot of bragging in yesterdays post about my ability to connect with people and conduct business-- however, the reality set in today after noticing there's still no opportunity to work right now. The benchmark is set at a very high level and, given the circumstances, the odds are against me because of my very limited experience and my incapacity to seem like a normal person.
Maybe I'm overthinking shit. I ought to cut myself a little more slack because a lot of effort is being put into these goals. Aside from that, it's not like I'm applying for jobs at places like McDonalds (even though... I did apply there this week-- and at this point I'm willing to work there if they did hire me)...
There's still room for improvement, though:
- Continuing 12-Step meetings helps bring more people into my life, people who can relate.
- Finding a sponsor is important & I still haven't found myself one.
- My relationship with my Higher Power has been diminishing day-by-day since being discharged from PHP & it's important for me to maintain that connection.
- Building personal relationships has to be one of my biggest weaknesses right now...
I'm having trouble developing trust with the people I'm living with. Currently, I'm roomed up with a 21-year old and a man who's well into his 50's. They both suck because they talk more than they listen. & the problem with me is I don't know how to talk...so why the fuck would they want to listen to me anyways? I like to listen but half the shit that comes out of both these guys mouths makes me want to put my air-pods back on so I could listen to lo-fi. There's been a drastic psychic change which has occurred within me because my interest in hip-hop and rap is no longer the same.
Don't get me wrong-- there's still a lot of love for some songs here and there, but it's not a preferred genre. It's not just about the music I listen to, it's more about how I'm changing the way I choose to deal with things. When my roommates are bickering and arguing about something, instead of me trying to defuse the situation, I choose to leave the room so they could resort it themselves( I don't even care if they kill each other).
Wanna know how many times I've gotten into deep shit because I didn't mind my business? Now, I've learned how to keep to myself and to keep the arguing to a minimum-- there's no use in wasting my breath when I'm this fucking broke. Unless there's an argument for a settlement in court or something, I keep the dialogue to a minimum.
See...I just realized that that's an attribute of my personality I'm going to have to learn to change if I want to learn how to build strong personal relationships...But for now...it's like, 'Oh, well!'
With that being said, I figured I should end this post by just listing what I'm grateful for:
See...I just realized that that's an attribute of my personality I'm going to have to learn to change if I want to learn how to build strong personal relationships...But for now...it's like, 'Oh, well!'
With that being said, I figured I should end this post by just listing what I'm grateful for:
- Today, I'm grateful I even had a phone interview with a company of my choice...how I'm not fighting to work for minimum wage...
- I'm grateful to have a beard trimmer so I could fix my beard whenever I want.
- The fact I could even call it a beard despite the patches..
- For those who support me unconditionally during my recovery because without them, I'd be sitting in jail right now because... how can we not kill someone when people are so freakin' ignorant?
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