Remind Yourself What Drives You to Get Out of Bed
Haven't been feeling like myself lately because I haven't found a job yet. I've set my expectations high, only to be found in disappointment time and time again. My criminal background is haunting me. Tagging up a bunch of houses just wasn't worth it in the end. Neglecting my mental health has taken its toll on my future. Even applied to work at McDonalds and they haven't even called back. So what now?
I found a job to work at a call center, it's open 24/7...start training soon. So I'm guessing all this time is for taking much needed rest because I haven't been able to all year. I've spent the majority of my year fighting to live because I was using drugs. Even got locked up in the psych ward at the hospital in New York earlier this year. I even spent time on the streets because I had run out of options and money. Not going to lie, even after all the shit I've been through, I still want to pick up a drug and use it. I want to get high and it's because I'm starting to think it's because I'm being triggered by the little things surrounding me:
Like the hip-hop I hear when I'm scrolling on social media.
The things I'm watching on Netflix showing drug use.
The smell of marijuana when I'm out walking on the street or waiting for the bus.
The stress from not having a job.
All these things flip the switch in my brain and in a matter of seconds I'm already contemplating or fabricating a plan to get high. I'm about two months into my sobriety and it's not my first rodeo doing this either-- the 90 day mark is always tough. I'll usually reach my 90 days and instead of having put the work in, I'll have spent all that time with a reservation to get high, planning for my use. I have to stop that because this cycle of leaving everything I own just to live on the streets is not worth it. Relying on rehab as a safe haven isn't going to work for me anymore cause I hate being in rehab too.
Yeah, rehab provides me with a place to sleep, three meals a day, and we don't have to work-- but that's not what a regular life entails: I want to work. I want to make money. I don't want to be stuck in this world of limbo for 10 years and then realize I'm about to turn 40-- I just spent the last 10 years of my life doing that-- it's time I changed.
You know what helps?
The house I'm living at...we have 3 meetings a week at home, where we sit in the living room and we watch a documentary related to addiction and life in recovery. The stories I hear about inspire me to want more for myself, they motivate me to continue in my sobriety. If it wasn't for those nights, I would've left this house, I would've sold everything I owned just for an eight ball of coke and another season on the streets.
There's a state of shock associated with the stability I'm experiencing right now. There's so much idle time on my hands and it's important for me to manage it wisely. Make better choices, and maybe I'll get better results. That principle has worked for me thus far. During my time in rehab, I had developed a plan with the goals I wanted to achieve. I attained about every damn goal on that plan except one: getting a fucking job, a real fucking job-- with salary pay and benefits-- not a job paying 12/hour. I mean...I guess it's better than nothing, it's a start, right?
I thank God I'm not living out of my backpack right now. Living on the streets isn't simple when we have the city cracking down on the homeless. It's impossible to be regarded with respect in society when we haven't washed our ass, when we're resorting to washing up in public bathrooms. There's nothing simple about carrying around a bag with all our personals because we can't sleep without the fear of being robbed. If we're living on the streets, it's usually by choice because there is help out here. We just need to be willing to receive that help.
This post serves as a reminder to myself for what I had to do to be granted the privilege to sleep under a roof tonight. All I had to do was stop using. Things aren't going too well for me right now, but at least things are better than they were two months ago. Two months ago I was roaming the streets begging to find a place to sleep. I couldn't even sleep on a bus if I wanted to. It's not easy to sleep out on the grass when it's wet. It's not easy dealing with other homeless people on the streets. It sucks when we're just one choice away from being locked up in jail. These are the things motivating me to stay sober.
Now the question is...what or who is motivating me to succeed?
There's a different response for that question and I cannot ever forget!
You know what helps?
The house I'm living at...we have 3 meetings a week at home, where we sit in the living room and we watch a documentary related to addiction and life in recovery. The stories I hear about inspire me to want more for myself, they motivate me to continue in my sobriety. If it wasn't for those nights, I would've left this house, I would've sold everything I owned just for an eight ball of coke and another season on the streets.
There's a state of shock associated with the stability I'm experiencing right now. There's so much idle time on my hands and it's important for me to manage it wisely. Make better choices, and maybe I'll get better results. That principle has worked for me thus far. During my time in rehab, I had developed a plan with the goals I wanted to achieve. I attained about every damn goal on that plan except one: getting a fucking job, a real fucking job-- with salary pay and benefits-- not a job paying 12/hour. I mean...I guess it's better than nothing, it's a start, right?
I thank God I'm not living out of my backpack right now. Living on the streets isn't simple when we have the city cracking down on the homeless. It's impossible to be regarded with respect in society when we haven't washed our ass, when we're resorting to washing up in public bathrooms. There's nothing simple about carrying around a bag with all our personals because we can't sleep without the fear of being robbed. If we're living on the streets, it's usually by choice because there is help out here. We just need to be willing to receive that help.
This post serves as a reminder to myself for what I had to do to be granted the privilege to sleep under a roof tonight. All I had to do was stop using. Things aren't going too well for me right now, but at least things are better than they were two months ago. Two months ago I was roaming the streets begging to find a place to sleep. I couldn't even sleep on a bus if I wanted to. It's not easy to sleep out on the grass when it's wet. It's not easy dealing with other homeless people on the streets. It sucks when we're just one choice away from being locked up in jail. These are the things motivating me to stay sober.
Now the question is...what or who is motivating me to succeed?
There's a different response for that question and I cannot ever forget!
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