The Revelation I Had About AA

NOTE: For all intents and purposes, I will be using the program Alcoholics Anonymous for this writing because the text is much more thorough. These are some of the things I learned from my time in rehab:

Find a Trustworthy Sponsor. It's never easy putting our trust in a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who helps us work the 12 Steps in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, they are not supposed to be our friend. I made the mistake of running through the 12-steps my way for the first time in 2020. I was turning 27 that year. There were people who really made an impact on my life, and I wanted them to become a part of it. It would have been nice if I could clean my side of the street, though. I had a lot of things going on, there were a half dozen skeletons in my closet–some of which repressed these memories. I just wished to have the family all in one room someday, but did not know how that was going to happen, and it was the only thing missing from my life for an exceptionally long time.

Complete the Work: the book states, when it boils down to Step 5, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.” If we read Chapter 6: Into Action– these are the main points: 

1. We need a partner to be able to complete step 5, however, a doctor is not the best candidate for completing Step 5 because they are usually biased towards alcoholics. Still, today I believe our approach to treating patients suffering from any addiction has proven ineffective because they are either afraid of a patient, do not see a cure for a certain individual, or do not have experience with studying the neurobiology of addiction. 

2. Doctors make us feel embarrassed sometimes and embarrassment leads to relapse. (I got embarrassed with a doctor once after pouring out my life to her on a Bio-Psychosocial Assessment— one of the dozen times I had to do it. They do not give a shit about your story; they just need it in the system!) I've relapsed because of my doctors demeanor toward my story.

3. It’s really important to think about who to trust when completing step 5, even if it's a religious figure, it ought to be someone who could help you with completing the step and moving on with their lives. They'd be more than happy to help you if they understand what the program is about. ONLY ONE PERSON. (I told more than one person: mom, Karla, my dad, my aunt.) 

4. If we are not able to find someone to help with completing this step, it is all right to postpone having it done. Step 5 could be completed with a sponsor. However, ask yourself, “Do I really trust my sponsor with this information and with keeping it confidential?”

5. Here is what can go wrong or should not do: not read the Book of AA in its entirety. Not having a sponsor, thinking we could work the steps on our own. Thinking Step 5 meant, “getting it off our chest.” Being embarrassed to the extent of a relapse. I am constantly asking, 

“How was I to complete these next steps? What if people say I do not believe in God? Was I really ready for God to remove these defects? How do I ask him to remove my shortcomings when God was constantly punishing me?” 

It did not matter if I was pouring my heart out about a matter, the severity of our wrongs will determine whether a community forgives the individual who admitted to it or not. If the community is familiar with the nature of someone's character, it will get worse when the person of interest will not admit their defects. That is what AA is all about: holding each other accountable. It is why not everyone is willing to complete the program. Not everyone is willing to forgive and accept everyone's mistakes.

It is not about completing this program and only taking it seriously when our freedom depends on it. We should not change after we have gotten locked up. We should change to prevent being locked up. ‘This program is one which demands rigorous honesty’ but the mental health system is looking at some hard times because not many people trust their doctors and not many doctors trust what their patients are saying– it'd be easier to serve time in jail than to complete this program if a person doesn't take the time to think about who they really are or if they ever take a good glance at the mirror. 

I did not ever think about the impact my words and actions would have had on the people I have wronged– they never cared to set the environment to talk about it. Instead, they used it as fuel to gaslight me and a community of people who had no idea what was going on. 

On my own, I went ahead and ‘made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ With my aunt, my mom, my cousin, my father, and my stepsister.

These are all the people I should not have tried making direct amends with because under my circumstances, it would have been best having opted with the exception because it did more damage to my reputation and continued to strain my understanding of my relationship with this family. 

It turns out behind closed doors everyone knew what I was admitting. There was no respect for what I was doing. I did not even know there was an actual method to complete the 12 Steps of AA! The fellowship is just another platform for people to build something for themselves when they respect each other. It is usually the old timers who walk with the wisdom…they are a rare encounter and people to envy because they do not depend on anything.

Something the book never states— it is more of an implication: 

The Secret in the Big Book of AA: 

We are not alcoholics for having just one drink. 

Remaining in a state of addiction can reconfigure the brain so we could neglect ourselves much more. The level of neglect could be so severe we could die. Some people aren’t able to cope with dope sickness effectively and they find themselves in and out of rehab. From my understanding, the earlier we start using drugs, the harder it gets for us to break an addiction. I think the human brain is similar to a bonsai tree or any tree for that matter. The younger the tree, the more of a chance there is to repair any physical defects the tree displays. The younger we are, the easier it is for us to correct our behavior. We are more set in our ways when we are a little older because of our own experiences and it could make it more difficult to change our lives when we are suffering from an addiction.

Growing up at home, though, I was going through this moderate form of instability because that is just the way life was. Sometimes we have people in our lives who are not always there to help us in the way we would expect them to, sometimes they are in our lives to teach us something other than what we learn at school.

My uncles were a pair of dudes who always did their best but were constantly being thrown off by the curve balls life would throw at them. My mother worked really hard but as I am getting older, I am starting to realize time can do damage to a person as well. My grandma lived a hard life, but she got ahead. The one thing we all have in common is suffering from the trauma of losing a loved one. My uncles were in their 20s at the time. My mom was approaching her 30s. I was 12. I am the only one who still wants to talk about it 19 years later. Anytime I have questions, my mom goes ahead and she is like, 

“Hector, why don’t you get help? Are you still taking your meds? Y seguis tomando y haciendo drogas, eso yo lo sé!” 

Is it possible that holding onto a lie could cause a person to suffer from dementia? People who believe their own lies. Or was I really the problem? 

At one point, I started to believe in my mom's interpretation of me— her impression or whatever. She is the reason I wanted to go to rehab, so she could shut the fuck up and let me be. But the fact is, I am not a fucking alcoholic and weed is the only thing which has helped me! I have never suffered from dope sickness. I could handle one drink if i wanted to-- I just prefer not to drink. I understand the several types of alcoholics:

• Bargainer
• Psychopathic
• Manic-Depressive
• Regular Drinkers
• Reward Drinkers   

     The Traditions People Never Practice

• Our common welfare should come first…depends upon…unity.

If this were true, then the book would not have dedicated a chapter for learning how to work with others. Everyone reaches their boiling point if they were to offer help to another person, especially when their level of aggression is a concern. I would not even lend them my phone. 

• For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority–a loving God…our leaders are..trusted servants; they do not govern.

Someone is always in control, and some people do not believe God exists. That is why there is a chapter written to the agnostics. It’s only easy to convince people about a higher power if we use the argument from the book– how would we explain the forces of mother nature? Or conceptualizing the idea of creating an airplane?

• The only requirement for…membership is a desire to stop drinking.

I’m guilty of walking into a meeting piss drunk. I felt guilty about having a drink. But this was before realizing what The Big Book won't tell us. 

• Each group should be autonomous–

I’m skipping this one because it does not apply to this argument.

• Each group has..one primary purpose..to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

Is it really necessary for me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days if I’m trying to land a good job? A job that requires over 50% of my time? I’m suffering when I sit through these meetings– this is why I can’t prevent the house-manager at a halfway house from breathing down my neck because they only care about one thing: $$$. 

• A..group ought never endorse–

Yes– I do not know what goes on in these meetings because it is either someone is trying to fuck you, fuck you, or they only care about themselves because they learned from working with others that it is better to march to the beat of our own drum.

• Every..group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions..

If I ran a facility where 12-step meetings are held and someone offered me 10 thousand dollars– I would take it. In a heart-beat. What’s the argument against this? Well..is a contribution a gift or a favor?

• Should remain nonprofessional?

Okay…I’ve had enough of this…they certainly do [not] keep it that way. 

• AA..ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible for those they serve?

Like some cult?

• Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues–

They do have one on mine, though, I could see it in their face.

• Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion;..always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films–

What about local anonymity? How can we stop people passing around a note about someone? What makes this group so attractive that I’ll be taking inventory of my character defects and admitting these flaws to someone I could trust?

• Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions..place principles before personalities.

As the saying goes, ‘birds of feathers flock together,’ and I’m still looking for my tribe because there’s rarely a soul to relate to.

I used to rehabilitate, however these places are designed to discourage us from returning. People who brag about their facilities, review their food like Yelp reviewers, and preach about their recovery are full of it. Twelve-Step Programs aren’t for everyone, and not everyone suffering from addiction is going to find completing these programs effective. Doctors don’t spend much time figuring out the best diagnosis for their patients. These sessions are usually brief, they’ll send us on our way out with a prescription and a misdiagnosis most of the time. (I’ve been diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome before…I was really offended).

Some of the factors playing a role with the way a doctor treat their patients can vary: the doctor might notice a long medication history and be under the impression the patient is ‘doctor shopping’; the patient doesn’t want to take any medication: the doctor could either choose to administer a dose against their will, or they could let the patient be – perhaps even discharging the patient from the program since they want to be non-compliant, acting against medical advice; the doctor doesn’t have experience working with patients suffering from a particular psychiatric condition (it happens to the best of us, and it could also happen to the most negligent); a doctor realizes their patient has high-quality health insurance so they might over-prescribe medication to be able to incapacitate their patients to keep them longer (also makes me think of medication-assisted-treatment); and most importantly, what do we do about the staff guilty of sexual misconduct in the field? How do we deal with someone who abuses their power over authority?

It’s no wonder why it’s difficult for someone to deal with the disease of addiction, why they're constantly relapsing. In the next chapter I will be exploring my share of stories being churned through the mental health system. 

 Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous World, Services, Inc. (2001). Pg. 89. 
 
Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous World, Services, Inc. (2001). Pg. 44    

From Doctor Shopping: A Phenomenon of Many Themes.Innov Clin Neurosci. (2012 Nov-Dec); 9(11-12):42–46.  

From Addiction Treatment Facility Operators Sentenced in $112 Million Addiction Treatment Fraud Scheme. Office of Public Affairs: U.S. Department of Justice. (21 March 2022).  

From Miami Beach FL area doctor in rehab fraud loses license. Neal, David J. The Miami Herald. (10 April 2023). 

From The DEA's war on addiction doctors. A.J. REID FINLAYSON, MD, JEFFREY A. SINGER, MD, AND PETER R. MARTIN, MD. KevinMD.com. (19 December 2023).  

From Richmond doctor’s license suspended after alleged sexual relationship with patient. Wilson, Rolynn. WRIC. (4 January 2024).