What It Feels Like Being in a Manic State

I’m not going to lie, I’m very embarrassed. I’ve always been someone people make fun of and shit but what I’m going through is unbearably overwhelming sometimes. I’ve never been on an end of a stick this rough in my life and I wish I was locked up in a hospital.

No, seriously, take me in. 

Because the person people are starting to take me as doesn’t exist and I would rather be locked up in a sanatorium voluntarily than against my own will. The fact that people have the impression that I am out of control really baffles me. 

I look at the people in Miami, I am nothing like them. I’m organized. I let people talk. I’m not too controlling. 

I look at the people in New York, and same thing— I am nothing like them. Those people are too fast. Rude. They will speak what’s on their mind. 

Me? I’m not that mean. Me? I’m not really in a fucking hurry. 

I am sad, though. 

I’m not going to be on social media because my focus ought to be maintained on one thing at a time. There’s no need for me to be jumping around between 5 different platforms. I’m too old for this shit, man. It’s too much for me. 

To be honest, none of the shit I write is worth reading anyways— only a select few things. So, I’m going to take it easy. It’s obvious social media gets me into a world of trouble. I am so lucky to not be incarcerated right now— turns out God really does love me and that some people are not that evil after all. 

But still, I feel terrible. Embarrassed. The sentiment is heavily understated, misunderstood, and I wish it would subside. 

Ever felt what it’s like to resist an itch? No one knows how good I am at resisting to scratch one. Do people ever go without needing to scratch an itch? I could only do it for so long. I always give in to the itch. 

That’s what it feels like when I don’t act upon my impulses. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack if I hadn’t acted out on my desires. It’s not so much an uncontrollable rage, it’s more of an involuntary predisposition to express myself, this need to feel heard…and I don’t know how to balance that energy, that’s why I’m still in the world I am today. 

I guess that's what you call mommy and daddy issues. That’s what one of my best friends would say. 

I’m trying real hard too, you know? I just don’t give into the norm. I’m working on it.