I Saved Myself

Something saved me from dying out there in Miami. It was the voice in my head telling me to go to New York.  Since Trump became president, there have been a lot of changes to this country’s healthcare system. I didn't notice until two days ago that Florida doesn't expand Medicaid coverage to low income residents and they no longer grant tax credits to make health insurance more affordable. If I wanted to go back to Florida and stay on my medication, I would be looking at premiums with an average of $500. 

I left Florida right on time.  

I believe there is a God because he hasn't let me die out here on the streets. One of the biggest blessings in this world is New York City because they have a "Right to Shelter" mandate. Anyone who asks for a bed is going to get it. It might not be the ideal option, but it is the best for someone who doesn't want to be sleeping out on the streets. 

For the first time in a while, I feel I have found stability. My mind is quieter, I'm not under this intense mode of survival, I'm at peace. 

I have finally come to terms with my mental condition and have found common ground with my mother, who was constantly telling me I needed to seek treatment because some of the things I was saying were unwarranted, untrue, and outrageous. 

Some of the things I did were out of character and I have to learn to live with that.  I take it could be worse, but luckily I'm not in a stage in my life where I care so much about what people think. 

Right now I'm sitting on my bed at the shelter and I'm deciding to write this post because I have to get this off my chest: 

Melanie, as much as she might dislike me, saved my life by being who she is.  My mom even says it: there was a divine intervention amidst my mental health crisis and it was her. I still have a lot of love for this person and I wish I would've shown a bit more respect when I sent those letters. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to put her under the impression that I'm insane. That's pretty much what I did and it's still an open wound that stings to this day.  

I'm not like other people. I hate making conversation. I hate making first impressions. If we're going to talk about anything, it better be deep. I haven't tried impressing anyone other than hiring managers nowadays. 

New York has taught me this about myself. There's a steep learning curve from having moved here and it's that I ought to learn how to be more easy going with people to be able to build a network.  

The only thing stopping me from doing this right now is the fact that the city gives off this aggressive vibe. People are always in a bad mood and in a hurry. Seems tough to get someone's attention when there's not much for me to offer. 

Maybe it's all in my head. 

I can't believe how much trouble I have gotten into these past few years. Having moved to New York is going to allow me to build a new life for myself because I finally got off the streets. 

As I take baby steps toward my next goal, I am constantly dealing with self doubt, hopelessness, and fear. But I wont allow that to deter me from moving forward.  

That's all I have for today.